‘the balled realm of duntellya’

this weird dimension i live in…sometimes i dunno whether i am awake or not…I pinch myself several times to wake up onli to realise that i am actually awake…even then the weirdness doesnt go away,it stays there,it acts as if i am a part of it but the truth is i dun wanna be a part of it…just wanna wake up and feel reality again…the things i go through everyday…well life is like a rollercoaster…and the things i do…most of the time i m in control but sometimes the things i do i dunno why i do it…if its for self pleasure i shld feel better after doing it but i feel completely normal…i dun feel happiness or sadness,joy or pain, love or hate…its like i have made myself so cold that everything around me appears like a movie…my live is like a movie…i feel like everyday is a dejavu and i know that things are going to happen except that i cant do anything about it…it happens like how we watch a show and cant do anything to change it….

my ankle hasnt gotten any better except that it has gotten worse and i mite have to forget ever playing soccer like normal again…unless i rest but the thing is i dunno how to rest…i gotta do something…jamm,play sports or read a book…then again i feel like i m not in control of myself and i see myself watching myself again…life is no longer black or white…its full of colours between…gotta make my own choices and live with it…nobody to guide me…i feel vulnerable…except i dun want anybody to help me…i like to watch myself get hurt and try to stand up again…dun want others to feel my hurt so why cant some ppl just stay out of it…its just who i am…i am gonna dissapear someday and i dunno how to say goodbye…i m bad at goodbyes…i want things to remain the same…but this is life…i keep deceiving myself by telling me that things are gonna get better except it is not…things are going to be different…

i cant use my right ankle anymore…at least for another year…cant even lift the curl up…tried yesterday and i felt like crying…nmot because of the pain but because after trying more then 10 tyms i couldnt get it to go the way i want it to…my left comes in place…things happen oni that i m not in control of it…i cant kick or curl with my left but yesterday it all happened as if i was in control…i m afraid that if i lose that too then its not worth watching myself animore…i will have veri little to life for…in fact onli one thing to live for…to see my dream come true…

have you ever felt like you know something is gonna happen and yet you cant control it…thats school for me…no matter how much i prepare myself there is always something that will happen not the way i planned it…if not for mdm annyza…MUFY is not worth it…it drains all out of you and at the end of it all you still havent found yourself…yet somehow i look forward to her lessons coz she somehow makes my day…the onli person who i can tell wants to get to know me and who wants to see me a better person than i am…i love her for that…

i better not say too much…skali she get the wrong idea or something…

i m sitting here in the library with my tight ponytail straining my headand i wonder…will the skies remain blue forever…will my heart be this way…?will God continue to show me the path…?i dun want any of this to go away…i love life oni that i dun feel it…as i said…its like i watch myself going through it but feel nothing…this will all be over soon…i missed my cloud…when my cloud comes back…i guess i will be me again…then watching me will be God’s work again…

aaargh…cant wait any longer…just wanna go kick ball man…how can i stay like this…was so sick last week i think coz i dint play soccer for a wile but after i played last thursday it all went away…the fever,the cough and the flu that made me finish about almost 2 boxes of tissue…well thats over now…at least i dint strain anything…just wanna get pumping soon…cant wait…gotta sweat…gotta run…gotta kick ball…gotta play…

but this stupid leg of mine dun wanna heal leh…used to be like wolverine…now like gatensus…heal…heal…and make me play soccer again.,…

aaah,crap…have i whinned too much…?

wats up with the world cup man…dunno whether it is a bookie controlled game or the referee is just super kayu man…how did crouch get so many fouls and a booking…?no offense…i am a die heart brazil fan but i still respect the game and anione can tell whether a player deserves wat he is getting…how the hell did japan score the 1st goal against australia…?if i go on i can keep on condemning man….even brazil game was so boring coz the ref kept blowing the whistle wen the play can go on…urgh…normali it is quite hard to go back to sleep aft the game but its so easy these days…the moment the final whistle goes off i can knock out within a minute…thats just how interesting the game is…

wer are all the best refs…?wats the point in keeping them for later games wen the noobs are screwing the worldcup like crazy…let them play man…let the ppl who love the game enjoy it…and those who dun learn to love it…if it goes on like this there has to be another award this world cup besides the golden boot and golden ball….i think it will be called "the golden kayu award"…

messed up real badli this time…i guess different rabbits have different rabbit holes…at least i dun have a gun pointed by someone who wants to know where his rabbit foot is…haha

brought a bunny rabbit who wanted her fur done…well i suggested the place wer me and all my other bunny friends have done their fur and it turned out ok…this bunny wanted it curled instead of the usual straightening and styling so i brought her there…but the thing is this little bunny dint get wat it wanted in fact this bunny got something so bad its difficult for her to crawl down her hole again so i dunnno…hopefulli this little bunny finds wat it was looking for soon if not something similar to wat it was looking for if not i will never forgive myself…

its true there is an anomaly in everything…possibility of mistakes are always there even wen it comes to the manufacturing of the best cars to the best watches…mistakes are bound to happen…but why now?…why my fellow bunny and not me….wat did this cute little bunny do to deserve this…this answer i seek,well hopefulli it comes soon before i lose faith in the 1 thing i believe the most…

it seems like forever that i’ve been doing this…i miss sentosa alot but i’ve found my own sentosa…my paradise…been doing it often…you can go there and hang out like the whole day shout all you like…do wat you like and somehow when you leave the place you feel changed and renewed… its a different feeling altogether but wen you cant run for 6 weeks its all i got…

shared it with someone today…a friend kristy…its the second time we’ve met but i somehow felt that i’ve known her all my life…the crazy things we talk about in a short period of time…oh man…no wonder dan always said she never gets you bored…we were there from like 12 till 5.30 am…both of us were kinda lost but somehow we found that peace at the end of it all…its amazing how God reveals himself to us rite…?

the breeze,the sound off the crickets,the stars,the moon and the rare sight of the peachy bluish orange lightning that lit the sky was just amazing…if you had seen it you wld know….the answer i was looking for dint come as soon as i expected prob coz i needed the quiet but as i said…i found the peace that wld carry me for another few weeks…