‘the balled realm of duntellya’

you know the feeling
when you keep walking and walking
and you do not know
where youre heading towards
and then you think
should you turn back or keep walking
if you turn back you are on common grounds
you can make things better
if you walk on
you see more challenges
but you become better
stronger than you were before

so i dunno sometimes
where i’m headed
the easier the path the more mistakes i make
the harder the path the more i love what i am doing
playing hard to get is not the way
but sometimes i enjoy it
so yeah,
this is the walk i was talking about
i know i am guided
can feel it all the time
and yet sometimes i throw Him away
i dunno why
but He draws me back each time
with a slap to the back of my head
saying "there you go now"

to sum it up i can say it was dead…but thanx to someone…it wasnt that bad afterall…

i dunno anymore what i should do…i am me…i am myself…i cant be someone i m not…i cant be someone else…i am changing for the better.i am looking at things from everyone’s perspective, why wont you look at it from my perspective…ahy do i have to be wrong always…?

i agree…things are screwed up with me but havent i been the best person i am to you…why such a little spec like this has to trigger sensitivity from every angle. compromise they tell me,i do it and yet i find nobody does it…everytime i compromise i find another climbing up my head again taking advantage of all that i have…

i m left with nothing, stripped lying on this deserted island thinking what is my purpose of staying alive…i guess its for the one reason i am still breathing today…

all you want to do it to react before you even think,if you could just think before you say or do something sometimes then you might know know who i am or maybe what i am…

i m as good as dead.living for you God…just keep close to me and continue to guide me because honestly i do not know who i am any more, i need to enjoy this pain coz i deserve it as well so let me…but dont let me go…

just started a new business…if you wana find out more leave me a message…

its a chance of a lifetime to become a millionaire…not kidding yeah…

have a nice day then,

duntellya

so, i am sitting here again,

trying to find out who i am,

what i am,

or, what i really am,

losing control of my inner self,

gaining control of hate,

by you and by me,

only to learn,

that i just wanna die,

so that you can live on,

bloom,

be something better,

and never have to think of me again,

Then i stop to wonder,

why is this happening this me,

it made me remember,

the deal i made,

with the devil,

to feel pain,

so that others might feel the ease,

i am still enjoying it,

but i don’t know about you.

I am simply not ready for this.

and there she was again in my dream…its the third time these two months if i can remember well enough…i dunno wat it means but i m trying to move on…i m sure i dont love her anymore or at least i dont want to coz i know wat the distance can do but why is it happening now…i was fine this whole time but she appears as if we just met yesterday…i guess i just miss her alot but then again i miss alot of ppl the same way…but why does it feel different now…?

this year i had a pretty girl walking into my my life…she was basically all that i looked for in a girl…it was like the phantom of love from my dreams came to reality…all i needed was just one look to say that she was the one for me and yet it took me so long to talk to her…coz she was just different…the fear of approaching her grew as her days of being close to me numbered themselves decreasingly…the gap or the bridge with my inner self has grown so apart that i do not know myself anymore…why is it a sin to love? to love someone wholeheartedly…with no lust or jerk thoughts…to love someone is like a neverending pricetag waiting to drain all out of you…i used to believe in true love…once upon a time…not anymore…i guess it exists as a comforting agent for those who seek it…i gave it my all…and now i am drained…i do not want her anymore says my anger and frust….its all i ever wanted says my heart…the bridge has to close up fo me to answer myself…i know it…and yet i wanna hold on to it…

i know that deep down inside there is no hope.and yet i feel that time will somehow heal even though it makes it worse each day.  you never know the valley of pain till you actually walk through it…i have walked mine and yet i enjoy the pain…it keeps me going and weakens me at the same time…draining all out of me and yet recharging me with the best soul booster each time…i have lost conscience about who i care for…but they keep me going…those ppl out there who will see me through…God who will walk by my side…thats all i need now…and nobody else…

here i am back again from where i started…feeling nothing but the pleasure of pain…and i am still enjoying it…weird huh…

and then you get rid of all the anomalies in life and the gap just grown btw your mind and the world outside…wen you want to rid it the most it comes banging rite at your door…i dunno if it was ever a mistake to set foot in this arena but i guess i’ve gotta live with it again….the hope of retiring from basketball and focus on my new season was again dismantled by another tournament…after and1 i told myself that i dint wanna play basketbol again coz i’ve got an intimate relationship with injuries…the past few months has just been with physio,limping, oh ya and plus the dreadfulness of watching other ppl run and me not being able to join in…and then i started playing better…i could dunk again,it just happened on the verge of me giving up…injuries are fun coz playing through pain brings you to another level each tym but if it keeps you away from wat you love doing the most then its not worth it…(so far it hasnt)so i duno…i’ll try this tournament out,and then i will see whether to let go or hold on….

sports is passion, so is music and all the other stuff that makes my mind forget everything else in the world for that brief moment…

played a game last nite…was supposed to be light so i decided to elude the usual centre role…and wat did i get…?a shooting streak that surprised me more than anyone else…it wasnt me but somehow wat ran through my head happened as perfectly as i wanted it to…and now lies the confussion of playing the yao or shaq role in the centre and risk injuries coz "i know thats the only way ppl can stop me…",.or playing the manu ginobli role which i adapted in view of my injuries…

nevertheless,i’d give anything to have my legs back for soccer again..i cant even juggle more than 3 times now…yeah laugh soccer diditz but thats wats happening now…i love it so much but i dunno the world cup,and the lack of sporting players on and off the pitch coupled with the fear of never playing like how i used to again is making me avoid it…the last tym i played a real game was well leme see about 3 months ago…i dun wanna go back to the pitch thinking i m someone i am not or doing something as easy as baking a cheesecake so difficultly that a simple pass would be better preferred…season starts in 3 months,rite after exams…lets hope i get it back soon…basketball is just a side step but the friends i made lately…"my brothers" we call each other are not giving me a chance to let go either coz each tym i meet one of them it feels like playing with my old soccer buds again…watching is never fun…so i leave it open…this tournament now means something if i can have a moment of joy sweating and waking up from my "injuryland"…

there was this guy…his life revolved around friends…he trusted his friends so much…friends were more important to him than himself and then one dae it happened…he was betrayed…he could not accept it at first but then he learned to realise that not everyone is the same…frank always had a perception about people but he always decides to give them a chance instead…to him everyone deserves a chance to be different…he had a sister,her name was fearie or atleast he loves her as his sister…wanted to help her out and his best friend out but it turned out a disaster…the understanding he had with his best friend was different from his understanding with her…she mistook the help for something else and now frank refuses to talk to her…he doesnt want to talk to her because of ego and he feels that fearie left things in a bad manner.besides he did nothing wrong after that even though it was cleat that fearis was pissed rude with frank..all frank could do then was to pray and hope that some day one of them would realise why the other did wat that person had to do…till then that chapter was left as that…

another chapter begins and frank decides to go on with life…he gets betrayed by one of the person whom he trusts the most…as a result he lost his car,home and girlfriend.wat frank had been believing all this while was a lie…he had himself backstabbed with a broadsword till he finds it hard to move on…nevertheless frank still believes in true live and when it comes it simply comes…he found someone but he now not sure,he leaves it up to God again hoping that someday that dark cloud will actually open and he will get the answers that he had always been looking for…

so frank carries on with life and he his friends though careful this time he is afraid to commit fully…frank only trusts 2 ppl in the world,one is God,the other is his best friend…no matter what frank finds it hard to trust another person again…so he has this friend who has issues…he doesnt want to tap into his life or watsoever but he has assured his friend that he would be there for him…however…his friend doesnt rationalise…dometimes frank wonders shld he always give in so this crack can have his way all the time…this time he decides not to and stands firm…he decides not to feel hurt…his friend is now dead…derek was a chapter in his life that he is closing forever now and he hopes he can still hold on…friends are like limbs to frank and seeing one hurt is like pinning his heart with a.c needlers…he decides to let go and his dead friend will never come to life again…another black part of frank’s life…

frank still doesnt want help…frank believes he can handle it on his own with God by his side…frank feels that even wen all are against him he draws his strength from a place not secret…the feeling of rejuvenation takes place…he carries on with life…only with fewer ppl…he doesnt need them but he wants to be there for them…he wants them to know God like he does…he wants them to know that death is never the answer to all the problems…

i m sure you guys have friends like frank…haha..i know i have at least one…wat do you think frank should do…?

itYou wanna ask me how italy won the cup…?i tell you how…brazil let them…italy being defensive and all for  years did put on an interesting game but the truth is they are still not Brazil…it takes just one fat ronaldo to dribble past the whole team and score but well…brazillians are known for their generosity…just see how thay let japan score against them…if there was one team that deserved the cup it wld be brazil…i m sure you wont deny that…no matter wat team you support if your team meets brazil deep down inside i m sure you will be scared coz well its brazil……

but i m still in shock why thay had to be generous now…the coach has a serious prob man…it hink thats the prob in this tournament…the coaches wanna just play al their best players and dunno how to use them wisely…he could alternate between kaka and ronaldinho but he dint…just like eriksson could play lampar,gerard and lenon alternatingly he decides to play themm alltogether and wat have we a prawn in a spicy char kwe teow trying to taste like a prawn…huh…well wats done is done…brazil will fite back surely…sad the murdered carlos is not there to break more walls and al but they wil get there…so italians out there…look out yeah…italiano will be no no in 4 yrs…

you guys know the sign for "do you wanna eat?" rite…wel the russel peters version i mean…the actual meaning in italian…haha…nothing but i just saw henry doing it during the game…shows the blend in culture…i think he prob meant wat shall we have aft the game…? in italy it will probably get you a place in the coffin..or something worse

i want a chance to play soccer as a professional…will that chance ever come…?will i ever get scouted…? you guys are reading this…wat do you think…?

k…the thing is i havent had enough sleep…and my body is aching all over…i dint knock anywer or anything but it just aches…its like wen i used to have preseason training but the thing is i dun have that rite now…just started playing soccer too…hack care the ankle lah…we only live once…not gonna wait till it fully heals…i m oredi sick of not playing soccer…played a damn good game yesterday and today…went good lah but i seriously felt tayar pancit…now my body is aching so much i cant even walk straight…still have to deal with difficult ppl around me and all..ppl whum i find it so hard to compromise with…my nature of giving in makes me vulnerable so in this case i m not going to…gonna let him find himself before i give in or even come to an understanding…think its fair enough…?

damn my body still aches…my shoulder is hurting so bad i cant even lift my right arm to type…huh